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September Is Jokes Month!!!!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
Werbung:
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the

airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the

other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the

cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin

glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a

little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people

sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water

at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though

the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers

relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into

their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good

hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and

says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late

and we're all gonna die."
 
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
*The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
*The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little moretime and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she give me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
 
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
 
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact
on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it,
looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde
hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and
says, "You dummy, it's me!"
 
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the
wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his
clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is
getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I
don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a
knock on the door again. >>> > >>On opening the door, there is the same
little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You
sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by
his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want
these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to
give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)...........................................................
................................................................................
................................
You not Nissan Main Deala?"
 
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee

cannot take care of this one.


It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.



Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!



3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.


5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.





7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."



IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS
 
Come on guys, keep those jokes coming in. We'll be having a poll on 1st October to find the best joke
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Two blondes are walking through a forrest, admiring the many plants and wildlife, when they happen to stumble upon some tracks.

1st: Wow, see that... they are wild boar tracks.

2nd: What? They are not, they are deer tracks.

This argued for an hour... when they were hit by a train.
 
A turtle goes into a police station.

Turtle: Two snails just stole my shell.

Cop: What did they look like?

Turtle: I don't know, it all happened so fast...
 
Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in block 3 of the accident report form. I put poor planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a brick layer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lb.
Rather then carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks onto it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of bricks. You will note in block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lb.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vacinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downwards at an impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly by the bricks, i continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind, and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of excruciating pain I was now beginning to experiance. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel now weighed approximately 50lb. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vacinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter thie the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lesson my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks on the ground.. and fortunately only 3 vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on a pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my presence of mind and I let go of the rope. As I lay there, the empty barrel began its journey down onto me. This explains my two broken legs.
I hope this helps you with your enquiry.
 
Right guys,

Can you all paste your 3 favourite jokes from this thread into a new reply here, telling us who posted it originally, then we'll have a poll to see who is the jokes winner!!!
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Werbung:
Alright...

Jen's <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div>
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. i'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes." said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll dump on its head."[/b]
Click to expand...
Opalflowers <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div>
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"[/b]
Click to expand...

And Aggies <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div>
There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.


Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"[/b]
Click to expand...

And snowy, how about YOU do it
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