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Family member ill...

Ayane

Ayane

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Joined
Dec 18, 2011
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109
My grandfather is currently in the hospital after a stroke attack. He lost his ability to walk around on his own and talk straight. He also is starting to lose memory incredibly fast with each day from what I've heard. They've also said, he's only got those couple days left because now he's denying eating or drinking and wants to be left alone. However he's requesting I show up. Now I do plan to go up and see him this weekend, I still would like to share my feelings so I can breathe, I guess.

I usually never get sick, but lately with all the stress and anxiety, I keep coming down with colds. One after another and now I've already starting having a really bad sore throat that kept me up all night just staring at the roof and wondering what I'm going to do.
You see as the day of the travel up comes closer, the more and more I feel like I'm going to sink into the abyss. I don't really know what to do.

My grandfather and I were really close. Although I couldn't come down for ever family reunion - we still kept in touch. The times I did see him, he'd always have me bawling afterwards. He always said the nicest things to me, and encouraged me to face each day with a smile. He was always there, even when he wasn't. I mean, he just knew, knew when I was not feeling well. He could always catch a lie when I was trying to pretend and I was always appreciative to his attentiveness.

Yet now I'm terrified of what will happen when I do meet him face to face. Since he's always known my feelings, known when I was so deeply concerned that I actually secretly want the moment I walk through that door, he won't recognize me. Is that horrible to say? I don't really know, I just feel like a giant mess.
 
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I don't have words to say how I feel with you. Feel hugged.
 
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I was very close to my grandfather and when he died I remember it was one of the most difficult things I ever went through for a lot of reasons.
I hope that you make it through this difficult time with as little pain as possible. I am giving you a hug through the interwebs :)
 
You must be feeling so worried that your beloved grandfather had fallen ill. I guess what you can do is just spend some time with him and not fear anything. Just learn to let go. If you fear that your grandfather will know how you're feeling then just be honest with him, if that is possible for you. You know you can't lie to him so just be honest with him and treasure every moment that you have with him.

I hope you will get through this. Remember, it's a phase in life that every one of us will have to go through. You're not alone.
 
My grandfather was close to me too. When my mom used to be a working mom (because my dad died), she had to leave me with my grandparents. And I would stay there with them sitting in the area next to the big open door of my uncle's house. We would play silly games and joke about people walking about.

My thoughts are maybe you don't want him to recognize you because you're concerned of his sickness and don't want him to see how hurt you are about it. And maybe it would make you feel more awful to find out that he remembers you more than any other.

I agree with Uminoor. It may hurt to spend time with your grandfather, but I hope you find time to do so. We all had and will go through this phase in life so I'm sending you my hugs and support so you can be emotionally strong while visiting him.
 
Thanks for the replies, I haven't had the chance to go down and talk with him as planned. I hope to see him this week since I developed a fever the last, and I will treasure the moment that I have with him. I know know more then ever that I want to see him because I have friends who told me they never got that chance to see their grandparents before passing. They told me not to waste precious moments, and to remember that my dad needs my support now more then ever since his dad is leaving his side soon.

I've had dreams since this post how this event will role out, and I know that whatever happens, I will do my best to smile. I know grandpa would want that too. =)
 
It was right that you should not waste precious moments with him.
Try to be with often as you could to make him feel cared and loved. Hope for more moments you can spend with him and hoping for his recovery.
 
((((((Ayane))))))) I hope you had the chance to see your grandfather. You will definitely treasure you last minutes with him and will regret it if you don't see him. I was able to spend time with my father when he died. It was painful, scary and hard as heck, but I don't regret it at all. I'm proud that my Dad wasn't alone when he passed away.
 
I did see my grandfather and it was nice. At first he didn't remember me but after a few minutes he called for me and a warm nostalgia filled the air. I tried so hard not to cry when he held my hand but I eventually did when he pointed to himself then to me, and whispered I love you. It was heartbreaking but wonderful, I don't know how to describe it. It was an emotion that made me feel like everything was going to be okay even with his departure. That I could be strong and stand on my own two feet. After all since his death. (he died 2 days after I visited) I feel more inclined to stepping up to the role of what I should be. My dad needs it, both his parents have now passed and all he has is us.(his kids) I've been more helpful around the house then ever before. I feel I've been blessed by my grandfather on his last few days. I've been less reluctant about keeping my feelings bottled up and more opened to letting other people know that I have emotions as well. I guess I'm growing up in a sense and I hope by my grandfathers last written out note, 'Be strong.' That I will keep going despite the pain that lingers in my heart. I'll always love my grandpa, I am glad that at least he can finally be with grandma now. (He kept calling out her name so hopefully if there really is someone up there, he found her and is happy.)
 
I am sorry for your loss :( It is a good thing that you got to spend some time with him before he passed, I am sure that meant the world to him when he remembered you!
 
I was really touched by your story...thank you for being so honest and open about your feelings and the process you are going through. I could really connect with it on so many levels as I too was really close to my grandad and when he had a heart-attack, was weakened and then eventually passed...the pain I felt was palpable. Unreal. My first instinct was to run away. I, like you, eventually went to see him...and a peace filled me.

Now, years later...I still feel so connected to him and the beautiful thing is...we have these memories. Treasures you cannot measure. That Love will be with you forever...and now your grandad and grandma are re-united, I just know it! Take good care of yourself at this time and your dad is lucky to have you as you are to have him.
 
Your story was heartbreaking. I am sorry you lost your Grandfather. How nice that he is with your Grandmother now. Do you find that a comfort? I found my mothers passing difficult but she was so happy to be seeing my father. I found that a comfort. I think your Grandfather has given you strength. This is a part of life people face, some sooner, some later. I think you have your guardian angel know who will walk right beside you the rest of your. Talk and pray with your Grandfather he will take care of you. :)
 
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ssamcd said:
Your story was heartbreaking. I am sorry you lost your Grandfather. How nice that he is with your Grandmother now. Do you find that a comfort? I found my mothers passing difficult but she was so happy to be seeing my father. I found that a comfort. I think your Grandfather has given you strength. This is a part of life people face, some sooner, some later. I think you have your guardian angel know who will walk right beside you the rest of your. Talk and pray with your Grandfather he will take care of you. :)
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Yes, I can say that, the idea that my Grandfather is with my Grandmother is comforting since before she passed they did practically everything together. For me it just means that they can possibly enjoy that now in the next life. It has given me a lot of strength, and now I have finally made the motion as I said to become a stronger woman. I have finally gotten a job, and now working I can see the benefits of being able to buy my own things without asking my dad. Which in turn makes me realize he can finally relax more and do his own thing. Which he should have been able to do had I not been so lazy. So yes, my grandpa's passing was a definite wake up call and I really don't want to disappoint him. From here on, I want to move forward, and maybe become someone inspiring for my grandchildren as well. (If I can get some that is. ;P ) lol Maybe after a couple few years once I get school done and what not. =D

I want to add it's kind of funny because a few years back I told my therapist I wanted to have a job by 24 and didn't think I would ever commit to it. (It was like a sarcastic, 'yeah sure,' ) but now look at me. haha.
 
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