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Would you feel hurt if this happened to you?

digitalbrew

Member
Joined
May 15, 2012
Messages
127
There are things that she does that embarrasses me and other moments that our fights seem to become endless.

One of the things that I have a problem with is when she takes my clothes and claims it as her own. I'm sure some of you would say that I should understand her but then how many times should it happen before my patience gauge is exhausted. Last week, I saw her taking out my gowns as she had plans to give it to my second sister- once again, without informing me.

I told my middle sister about this incident and she told me that she lent our mom jewelries that our mom gave to our second sister. This second sister is the one who always says she is in need of money when her lifestyle says otherwise. Her children are spoiled and have no grasp of the value of money. She is also the one who stopped communicating with our mom because she claims that all she hears is our mom asking her for money.

I and my middle sister just don't understand why our mom goes to such extent to please our second sister without considering our feelings. Any insights?
 
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I wonder, do you have different fathers? I'm one of 3 children, two of us have the same father while my sister has a different dad. I've noticed and pointed out to my mother how she treats my brother and myself shabbily, as if we were by-products that she didn't ask while my sister is hailed as the golden child, though she has a laundry list of things that she's done that should irritate and annoy any mother. It's almost as if she places her on a pedastool. It's no secret that she isn't fond of our father while she was at one point in time ( and I still think she is, though she denies it ) incredibly in love with her father.

I get the whole 'sins of the father' deal, but that doesn't make much sense in this case when I'm the oldest and my sister is the middle, meaning my mother went back to my father. She even seems to favor my sister's child over my own. My brother is only 15, so he has no children yet. I've warned her that her obvious disdain with us is going to drive an even deeper wedge between us, and if the only person she has to rely on is my little sister, then she better rethink her strategy, because this girl is a blockhead if I've ever seen one.
 
I wonder, do you have different fathers? I'm one of 3 children, two of us have the same father while my sister has a different dad. I've noticed and pointed out to my mother how she treats my brother and myself shabbily, as if we were by-products that she didn't ask while my sister is hailed as the golden child, though she has a laundry list of things that she's done that should irritate and annoy any mother. It's almost as if she places her on a pedastool. It's no secret that she isn't fond of our father while she was at one point in time ( and I still think she is, though she denies it ) incredibly in love with her father.

I get the whole 'sins of the father' deal, but that doesn't make much sense in this case when I'm the oldest and my sister is the middle, meaning my mother went back to my father. She even seems to favor my sister's child over my own. My brother is only 15, so he has no children yet. I've warned her that her obvious disdain with us is going to drive an even deeper wedge between us, and if the only person she has to rely on is my little sister, then she better rethink her strategy, because this girl is a blockhead if I've ever seen one.

No, we don't. This second sister is the first born girl in a series of girls. She was the prettiest of us and our mom probably demanded too much of her when she went to work in the US. Maybe that's also the reason why she feels guilty that she thinks that she must give her everything she requests such as our (her other daughter's) clothes, jewelries and the likes- only informing us when it's already been given to her.

This wouldn't offend us if this sister was helpful to us, but imagine giving it to someone who cut her communication ties with us and who always praises her husband's family to a point that she's already bragging about their success. This sister would always say she doesn't have money and even when my mom would ask for help when she got hospitalized, I would have to listen to her saying how she will ask her husband first if they could help us before she sends us any. She would even ask how much my other sisters have sent (which is certainly more than hers).

I am just annoyed that our mom doesn't value our (me and my other sister's) possessions that we've bought with our hard earned money and gives it to her who's apparently unwilling to help us in times of need.
 
Yes. I would feel hurt. Deeply so too.

Wow. I can really understand your feelings...I would have felt pretty much the same way, I feel. She is basically not valuing you. All you can really do is stop the cycle...and value yourself by making different choices. You basically should protect yourself...your time, your energy, your resources as your mom does not know how to respect it.

Please draw firm boundaries and stick with them. Those are her issues to sort out and do not allow yourself to become a part of that drama. Lock valuables away...or move away. You are being disrespected and undervalued...and that is serious but only you can rectify it. The easiest and simplest way to start drawing boundaries are with the words 'no' and sometimes, 'goodbye'/.

I wish you the best.
 
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I agree with Lee. There comes a time when, even if it hurts to no end, you have to cut the ties that bind. You are being undervalued and disrespected, and it's the kind of thing that could wreak havoc on a person's psyche. That's almost like saying your possessions, needs, wants, desire, space, etc., isn't as valuable as the other sister, and that would be a gross misstatement.

As a grown woman, you shouldn't HAVE to lock your things away!! She should have more respect for you and your other sister. As a grown woman, you shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or as if your thoughts and feelings have no value. I heard something once that I didn't get then, but I completely understand now. When a mother was asked which one of her children were her favorite, she replied 'Whichever one needs me the most at the time.' We don't play favorites with our children, rather than make them all feel as if our world would cease to exist if any of them were no longer a part of it.

Have you ever told her how if affects you and your sister to be treated this way? If not, I would. If you haven't, I'd reaffirm my vote for putting a little distance between yourself and them.

XoXoXo
 
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