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While I'm Up At 5am...

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Potholer

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Joined
Sep 12, 2004
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New Zealand
Can't sleep, been up since 2.30am when one flatmate got home and decided to shout the conversation to the other side of the house.

Been sleeping pretty crappily the last few days and I have a feeling I know the reasons why so thought I'd vent though it probably wont help, though this way I can work out a speech of everything I want to say.

Parents are really starting to get antsy about where I plan to live next year and what I'm planning on doing with my life. Everytime I ring home it's "have you sorted anything?" Well no, I have no idea who I'm flatting with, I have two months to find people and a flat and them constantly asking is not helping me relax.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life either thank you.

One of my supposed closest friends is being a complete ass to me right now. I may have made some, what she felt to be, veiled vegetarian digs. I was joking and didn't mean it, I have complete and utter respect for her and my respect for animals has increased heaps and apparently I "blame" her for my new conscience. My jokes may have jeopordized the possibility of flatting with some people she said. I feel TERRIBLE I did that without even thinking but for gods sake, how does that suddenly give her the right to list all the things that make me a complete screwup and make digs at me like I'm the worst friend in the world. All the bloody time when we're out with people she rips into me. The other night some half drunk guy we'd known for half an hour noticed and defended me. I didn't even notice she was doing it cos I'm so used to it. All the time after we've been out she'll mention how bad it was she was making digs and that people noticed and then she does it again. I make excuses for her doing it, like she's over tired or I did something mean to her too but *sweary word*, this eye-for-an-eye thing she has going is so brutal. If she was such a good friend she'd forgive me instead of always making me feel like crap all the time. And I try not to care but unfortunately I've come to rely solely on her for making me feel good about myself so when she's *sweary word* off that's it. Another friend gave me a talking to about how she uses me and I need to find a proper friends base rather than her but this just stresses me out more. I mean, I've got a whole lot of really amazing friends but I don't belong to any groups so don't have a base to go to when she's treating me like crap.

We co-own some chickens and for the last week I've been getting up at 7.30 each morning, even after we've both been out drinking til 4am or even just out at a friends til 2am and I finally ask her to do it. She gets *sweary word* off that I'm like THANK YOU and overly thankful like I'm being condescending and I'm surprised she said yes cos I thought she wouldn't do it. Then I wake up at 4am on the day I finally get to sleep in and she's *sweary word* that I didn't let them out anyway since I was already up! Which I wasn't anyway cos I got to sleep at 6.30 and woke up at 8.30 at which time they would have been going nuts to be let out
"realistically" she says "were you really going to sleep in late enough for it to be too late to let them out?"
That's not the *sweary word* point!!! I wanted the opportunity to sleep in even if I ended up not being able to! But of course, she woke up at 4am and her idea of a sleep in is 11am rather than my sleep in of 9am so obviously she deserves it more than I do.

I feel so unappreciated. She *sweary word* at the moment cos she does all the general pet looking after stuff which I really need to help with more and I feel guilty for it and am gonna be more onto it but friends are meant to be happy to do stuff for you but she just guilt trips me.

I don't know how to stop being so emotionally reliant on her....

So today I have to tell her... I don't know what. I don't even know specific things she does. I told her she ruins my self-esteem but then felt guilty for putting all the blame on her. What the hell!

Well that didn't really help I'm just more awake and upset than I was before...

It's 5.55am. I think I'll finish watching the latest hellboy movie. Online streaming + broadband is awesome

ETA: wow that looks like I swore a lot....nearly all of those a mild ones, not the two main swear words just in case it seem like I'm a real potty mouth....(heh heh)
 
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Received the biggest apology ever. She doesn't mean it but cant help it. I believe her but its depressing cos she thinks she's turned into her dad and there's no changing it. Which leaves the question of how our friendship, which I value, will play out if she keeps unintentionally ripping me to shreds....

Went to see my lecturer about my LIFE. Basically told me that I don't have the right drive for continuing with postgrad and I should take a year out. Europe, here I come?
 
Glad you got an apology!!

And altho your lecturer may be clever, don't forget you have to do what is right for you and not what he/she says is right for you.

Teehee @ sweary wordies *gig*
 
Mm yeah me too though I know it's just gonna happen again. I asked her what she'd do and she just said she doesn't know...

Indeed. But he's right to an extent. I've hit a hole and studying isn't going to get me further, I'm just gonna get trapped in something I might not want and get more in debt when I could be making sweet foreign money. I'll talk it over with the parents and a friend of mine can get me a job straight off in australia so I can start there, go through bali and whatnot then head where-ever from there. I think? And I can stop stressing about who I'm living with and where, I get space from the friend which I desperately need.....win-win situation right?
 
Sounds like the perfect solution all round... but more importantly for your well-being... emotionally. Traveling is a fantastic experience. My cousin is 20 and has been touring Aussie for almost a year now with her BF, just moving from place to place, doing bar work or fruit picking, to earn a crust so she can move onto the next place.
 
Mm that sounds really nice! I just talked to Dad and he said he's fine with it! He said I could just consider staying in Australia 6-12months and rack up a whole lot of money but I think I want the experience and the cash. Make some international friends and whatnot. I'd be uber keen to time my travels to coincide with international juggling fetes too!

As for that friend - have decided it's best to stay out of the house as much as possible. Everything I do annoys her so I'll just remove myself from the situation til she's ready to stop being a dick and I'm more level-headed to properly pull my weight with the animals and whatnot.
 
Don't take it to heart though, she's obviously in a place right now where everything is annoying her... not just you. If she can't see that she is being like that (or if she CAN see it!!), then she's not worth you getting hurt and upset in the process.

((((((((((((((((((preggy-huggles)))))))))))))))))

Wanna rub my babybump?? :D
 
*rubs babybump*

Thanks Snowy :). I asked her specifically if there was anything I could do/not do to help the situation and we worked some things out. She finally realised that part of the problem is that we're doing too many flat things and not enough friend things so to minimise flat stuff we've rearranged rosters and created rosters and whatnot. A lot of work is coming up so instead of working at the house I'll go to the library... We'll see.

Thanks heaps :).
 
I've read all of this and I can't say that I can help you a lot, cause I don't know your entire situation and problems, but when it comes to your friend..she's treating you like a door mat, and not intentionally.. I think she feels bad about herself and then feels easier to point put other people's flaws (not that they're actually flaws, but she's making you and herself think that your behaviour is such). A bit sadistic, but she needs help - professional if you ask me. Don't let it bother you, and getting out of the house as much as you can is a good choice from where I'm standing.

When it comes to your life, do what you think will actually help you. Also, you should know that other places won't make you feel better, or behave differently. Yes, it'll bring you experience, but still you must know that what bothers you personally mainly follows you where ever you go..hm, I'm afraid that this should be an advice for myself - it's a bit from my perspective and my own problems right now.

Hope everything goes well for you! And everyone ;)
 
I'm gonna say that's some good advice.... Three people have speeched me about her treatment of me and you're right it's completely unintentional but not right. We both know she's got issues and she's not exactly in a good place right now but she hates the idea that she's messed up at all and I've pushed her as much as I can for her to get help at the moment....

Also, I've been thinking about whether I'm travelling to get away from something or travelling towards something.... Might be a little of both but it'll give me a little/(lot?) more self-reliance which is part of why I get so upset. Since I spend so much time with her I rely a lot on her for my self-esteem. So when it goes to pot, so does my sense of sense-worth. Lets just hope I don't find someone else to rely on :p. And I do realise that I came to this travelling decision when I was getting an average of 4-5hours sleep cos of being upset and that the last few days have been pretty crappy. But feeling better and thinking more straight. While the idea is bloody TERRIFYING I think it's a good thing to do.

Thanks mary :)
 
You're welcome, anytime dear!

Getting away a bit may be good for you right now, particularly if you'll put your thoughts together..

When you come back..have you thought about finding a place of your own? There's nothing better for independence and relying solely on yourself than living alone, you know..which doesn't mean that you have to give up your friends' and parents' love and support...
 
I can't afford to live alone at the moment cos I'm studying but when I'm back I wont be flatting with friends, I know that much. Right now I'm flatting with this friend which is obviously part of the problem! We went to the same residential hall in 1st year, flatted together in 2nd year and are now flatting together in 3rd...

I need to start a travel itinerary!
 
Potty, it's ok to rely on someone... it's when they don't give back what you put in that it becomes a fall-apart type thing. I hope that made sense cos it did in my head but not in words lol!!

baby liked your rubbies :wub:
 
Traveling is fun, as someone who decided to leave their home and go on a long trip to get away from things and freshen up, no matter what happens from this day forward its done just that.

you should come over here and stay with us *devilish grin* :p
 
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