Do You Mean It When You Say No?

[Dreek Lass]

A lot of people struggle with telling other people know, because during socialization we have learned that if we tell someone yes, then the reaction is usually a smile or a good reaction. And if we tell someone no, then the reaction is usually less than amicable. Not always though, of course. But just as a general rule of thumb.

My mother hates when I say no to her because she knows that once I have said no, there is no way to get around me - even if she bribes me with money lol. My sister is a different story though hahah! When I say no, I say it with conviction.

Are you the same or do you waver?

 

[dconklin]

I have 3 answers to a yes or no question - yes, no and we will see (or maybe.) Yes means I am committed to yes. We will see means I am not committing but usually means yes, but gives me room for it to be a no. No means no period. I don't back down from no - that is why I have a maybe or we will see. My kids don't like hearing no

 

[claudine]

It really depends. In general, when I say no, I mean no and I don't say "yes" if I think "no" and I don't change my mind. It's just easier to be honest and this way I get what I want. I have a people phobia, I'm an introvert, so talking to people is already complicated enough, I prefer not to complicate it even more
Although, when I talk to my boyfriend, I sometimes replace "yes" with "no". Once, I was so angry at him and I told him to leave me alone. But at the same time I wanted him to hold me and to talk to me. Somehow, he knew what I was thinking and he didn't leave me

 

[Dreek Lass]

It really depends. In general, when I say no, I mean no and I don't say "yes" if I think "no" and I don't change my mind. It's just easier to be honest and this way I get what I want. I have a people phobia, I'm an introvert, so talking to people is already complicated enough, I prefer not to complicate it even more
Although, when I talk to my boyfriend, I sometimes replace "yes" with "no". Once, I was so angry at him and I told him to leave me alone. But at the same time I wanted him to hold me and to talk to me. Somehow, he knew what I was thinking and he didn't leave me

I used to have social anxiety too, but my personality still seemed to be able to shine through. I don't know how to explain it. It was weird. When I first went to see a therapist about it, she told me that I was too confident to have Social anxiety/social Phobia. I told her that I can just focus those dominant parts of my personality in a way that that is all that people see sometimes, but I was still uncomfortable around other people. I had to get help in my own time but help will only improve your life Claudine.

Now I see why men find women to be complicated lol. We say no and we mean yes and we say yes and we mean no lmao! I am happy that I am single. One woman in my life - meaning me - is enough thanks hahaha.

 

[jenniferb7890]

I really struggle to say no sometimes (obviously I need more practice). I don't like telling someone they can't do this or I can't do that. However, when I do say no I absolutely mean it. Any begging or arguing after I say no will just help to strengthen the answer.

 

[claudine]

I used to have social anxiety too, but my personality still seemed to be able to shine through. I don't know how to explain it. It was weird. When I first went to see a therapist about it, she told me that I was too confident to have Social anxiety/social Phobia. I told her that I can just focus those dominant parts of my personality in a way that that is all that people see sometimes, but I was still uncomfortable around other people. I had to get help in my own time but help will only improve your life Claudine.

I talked to a therapist, but he didn't help me. I guess nothing can help me, it just the way I am. Fortunately, I learned to accept it and whenever my phobia makes my life difficult, I always say to myself that at least I'm a very unique person with my own unique problems. Somehow, it makes me feel better

 

[Dreek Lass]

I talked to a therapist, but he didn't help me. I guess nothing can help me, it just the way I am. Fortunately, I learned to accept it and whenever my phobia makes my life difficult, I always say to myself that at least I'm a very unique person with my own unique problems. Somehow, it makes me feel better

I have read a few of your posts which would suggest that your phobia limits your life in a few ways, and that maybe you have just become your SAD's passenger, maybe? I went to a therapist, and she did nothing for me either. In fact she sucked. But she referred me to a group therapy for people with anxiety disorders. I didn't think it would help. In fact, I only went because if I didn't they were going to stop my money, and I COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT IT WORKED BY THE END!! I still have no idea how It happened but I have been SAD free for years now and I have my life back.

 

[claudine]

I have read a few of your posts which would suggest that your phobia limits your life in a few ways, and that maybe you have just become your SAD's passenger, maybe? I went to a therapist, and she did nothing for me either. In fact she sucked. But she referred me to a group therapy for people with anxiety disorders. I didn't think it would help. In fact, I only went because if I didn't they were going to stop my money, and I COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT IT WORKED BY THE END!! I still have no idea how It happened but I have been SAD free for years now and I have my life back.

I'm glad that it worked for you!
I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you mean by SAD? Are you talking about being sad? If yes, then no, I'm very, very happy. Of course I wish could talk to strangers without any fear and I wish I wasn't so scared of things that aren't scary for most people, but fortunately I've learned how to deal with it. I take baby steps. What helps me the most is the knowledge that my boyfriend accepts me the way I am. Somehow, it makes me want to become a better person. If this makes any sense, lol

 

[Dreek Lass]

I'm glad that it worked for you!
I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you mean by SAD? Are you talking about being sad? If yes, then no, I'm very, very happy. Of course I wish could talk to strangers without any fear and I wish I wasn't so scared of things that aren't scary for most people, but fortunately I've learned how to deal with it. I take baby steps. What helps me the most is the knowledge that my boyfriend accepts me the way I am. Somehow, it makes me want to become a better person. If this makes any sense, lol

SAD can stand for a lot of things lol, but Social Anxiety Disorder is what I am referring to in this instance. I don't mean sad as in unhappy. Obviously I do not know you or your life outside of this forum, but you seem to depend on your boyfriend a lot for your happiness, which is a pretty dangerous thing to do. If you have this social anxiety disorder,he will have to do everything that you are not able to do because of your mental disorder. he may accept it for now, but what if you end upo having kids with him or something, and you are afraid to use he phone or speak to your child's teachers or whatever. We have to be comfortable with other people in this world because we all live with one another and work together and so communication is a must. If you can't do that, then the burden is going to have to fall on your boyfriend.

 

[claudine]

SAD can stand for a lot of things lol, but Social Anxiety Disorder is what I am referring to in this instance. I don't mean sad as in unhappy. Obviously I do not know you or your life outside of this forum, but you seem to depend on your boyfriend a lot for your happiness, which is a pretty dangerous thing to do. If you have this social anxiety disorder,he will have to do everything that you are not able to do because of your mental disorder. he may accept it for now, but what if you end upo having kids with him or something, and you are afraid to use he phone or speak to your child's teachers or whatever. We have to be comfortable with other people in this world because we all live with one another and work together and so communication is a must. If you can't do that, then the burden is going to have to fall on your boyfriend.

After reading your post I'm pretty sure that yes, I do have Social Anxiety Disorder. And yes, my boyfriend does many things for me, for example, when I have to call somebody, I always ask him to do it. I can't talk over the phone with strangers, it would be too scary. He is very protective anyway and he doesn't mind taking care of me. He is such a strong and manly person, not shy at all.
Fortunately I feel that the more time I spend with him, the more self-confident I am and who knows, maybe with time and his support I'll be able to overcome my fears. For now, I take baby steps.

 

[cinderr]

A lot of people struggle with telling other people know, because during socialization we have learned that if we tell someone yes, then the reaction is usually a smile or a good reaction. And if we tell someone no, then the reaction is usually less than amicable. Not always though, of course. But just as a general rule of thumb.

My mother hates when I say no to her because she knows that once I have said no, there is no way to get around me - even if she bribes me with money lol. My sister is a different story though hahah! When I say no, I say it with conviction.

Are you the same or do you waver?

I am a complete pushover, rarely follow through when I say no. It usually means "maybe," I don't like that I am like that but hate confrontation, hate it wehn people are mad at me.

 

[cinderr]

I used to have social anxiety too, but my personality still seemed to be able to shine through. I don't know how to explain it. It was weird. When I first went to see a therapist about it, she told me that I was too confident to have Social anxiety/social Phobia. I told her that I can just focus those dominant parts of my personality in a way that that is all that people see sometimes, but I was still uncomfortable around other people. I had to get help in my own time but help will only improve your life Claudine.

Now I see why men find women to be complicated lol. We say no and we mean yes and we say yes and we mean no lmao! I am happy that I am single. One woman in my life - meaning me - is enough thanks hahaha.

I have never suffered with SAD but it doesn't sound very fun! You are smart; stay single. I am on my third and final marriage. I find I am not cut out for marriage--I'm a bad chooser!

 

[ChanellG]

Oh, I definitely mean it when I say no. Not only does no mean no, it also means don't keep asking me, and especially don't rephrase the request, or use "But___(fill in the blank). What gets me though is when someone asks you "why not?" as if you are a child and you have to justify your actions.

 

[Dreek Lass]

Oh, I definitely mean it when I say no. Not only does no mean no, it also means don't keep asking me, and especially don't rephrase the request, or use "But___(fill in the blank). What gets me though is when someone asks you "why not?" as if you are a child and you have to justify your actions.

I agree; for me it also mean that the person that is asking should not keep asking me. Sometimes it is hard enough to say no, depending on who you are saying it to, never mind having to repeatedly say it. There are few things more irritating, to be honest. I am a very giving person, so if I don't mind doing something that someone asks of me, I'll do it and with love in my hart. But if I don't want to do it, I won't. There is a large gap between yes and no and I am usually one extreme or the other. If i say no, that means that I REALLY don't want whatever it is that the person is propositioning.

When people ask why not, I don't think that it is always meant in a condescending manner. Sometimes when people ask 'why not?' they are really asking, what can I do to get you to change your mind. Or they want to know what about their offer is making you say no, to see whether or not they can soothe you into saying yes.

But yes, it can be very annoying if you are not in the mood.

 

[ChanellG]

When people ask why not, I don't think that it is always meant in a condescending manner. Sometimes when people ask 'why not?' they are really asking, what can I do to get you to change your mind. Or they want to know what about their er offer is making you say no, to see whether or not they can soothe you into saying yes.

But yes, it can be very annoying if you are not in the mood.

If someone I am not close to asks me "Can you take me to the store?" and I say "No, I"m sorry," and that person says "Why not?" it's a problem and I don't care if they were being condescending or not. However, if someone I am close to says "Will you go with me to Sally's Party?" and I say no, I would probably tell the person I have something else to do or that I have a personal reason for not wanting to go.

Some people are thoughtless and some are not, I just don't feel I have to give a reason when I say no. Does that make sense?