Last year, when Dad died, I went into this sort of downward spiral thing...I lost my belief in who I was, and I found that the only way I could deal with it, was to write, so I did. I then decided that it was a good idea to not just write what I felt down, but then to also lock it away for a year or so, then re-read it to see how far I'd come.
Well, a year has passed (tomorrow) since Dad died, and I read what I wrote last night, and I thought I'd post it up, because without looking at it as my personal feelings I think it pretty much sums up a really old lesson that is so important for everybody to know and realise before its too late and you dont get certain chances, as I didnt so yeah, without any further adeu...this is from me, a year ago.
Jen xxx
At the moment I feel strange, like these last few days have been a dream and I’m due to wake up, but each day I wake and I realize a little bit more that he’s gone, each day I realize a little bit more that I’m not okay and I realize most of all that I hadn’t been preparing for the day that would eventually come, but for the days beyond that.
Picturing not speaking to him, laughing at his jokes that I’ll repeat to people for ages after I hear them, cut me to the bone, but now, I’m not picturing these thoughts but experiencing them and that doesn’t just cut me to the bone, it cuts me to the soul.
I have his number in my phone and I keep it there because it’s like pulling a mask over what has happened, his number is still there so he’s still there, but I know that I’ll never get a reply if I send a message and that hurts.
People have said that he’s in a better place than here, but what about the place where everybody else left behind is, we’re all here and he’s not, ‘a better place’ for him is where he’s with us, where he’s with me.
I feel so bad, so bad for thinking so selfishly, because I know he was hurting here, but because he’s gone now we’re all hurting.
I’ve tried to be strong but I can’t take it anymore, I’m having to accept it and not deny it like I was before and it hurts so much, I just want to speak one more time, to laugh at his jokes one more time.
It’s a weird pain, its not like losing a friend, when you lose a parent you realize that one half of the person you are is gone and that you came from that person, you stand where you are because of that person and you realize what they mean to you regardless of the distance between you both.
It’s such a cliché but you really don’t understand how much you need something till its gone.
Well, a year has passed (tomorrow) since Dad died, and I read what I wrote last night, and I thought I'd post it up, because without looking at it as my personal feelings I think it pretty much sums up a really old lesson that is so important for everybody to know and realise before its too late and you dont get certain chances, as I didnt so yeah, without any further adeu...this is from me, a year ago.
At the moment I feel strange, like these last few days have been a dream and I’m due to wake up, but each day I wake and I realize a little bit more that he’s gone, each day I realize a little bit more that I’m not okay and I realize most of all that I hadn’t been preparing for the day that would eventually come, but for the days beyond that.
Picturing not speaking to him, laughing at his jokes that I’ll repeat to people for ages after I hear them, cut me to the bone, but now, I’m not picturing these thoughts but experiencing them and that doesn’t just cut me to the bone, it cuts me to the soul.
I have his number in my phone and I keep it there because it’s like pulling a mask over what has happened, his number is still there so he’s still there, but I know that I’ll never get a reply if I send a message and that hurts.
People have said that he’s in a better place than here, but what about the place where everybody else left behind is, we’re all here and he’s not, ‘a better place’ for him is where he’s with us, where he’s with me.
I feel so bad, so bad for thinking so selfishly, because I know he was hurting here, but because he’s gone now we’re all hurting.
I’ve tried to be strong but I can’t take it anymore, I’m having to accept it and not deny it like I was before and it hurts so much, I just want to speak one more time, to laugh at his jokes one more time.
It’s a weird pain, its not like losing a friend, when you lose a parent you realize that one half of the person you are is gone and that you came from that person, you stand where you are because of that person and you realize what they mean to you regardless of the distance between you both.
It’s such a cliché but you really don’t understand how much you need something till its gone.
