The Ex and my Envy

[Ayane]

I guess I'm here mostly for advice. I can't say lately I've been at my best. I've been staggering around with a fever and my period so I've been a bit emotional around the curve. My boyfriend has a friendly relationship with his EX-girlfriend whom he was with for 6 years. He was the one who broke up with her but they still remained close friends. I assume you already know that I'm jealous. I did bring it up for discussion but he assures me that there is nothing going on that he just feels obligated to stay friends so I don't say a word otherwise.

I guess I still feel ultimately bothered since he tells me he plans on going out on lunch brakes and he always comes back to tell me afterwards all the "funny" negative comments she has to say about me. Which makes me feel so weak in the stomach when he can sit there and laugh at me about it. It just sounds like he's not really standing up for me and I wonder in the back of my mind if he really thinks that I'm 'this' or 'that.' I think about it constantly and worried about my disposition.

Anyways besides that being my distress I've tried to compare the situation with him, like, 'what if I went and hung around my ex-boyfriend and joked about how bad you are when I got home.' In return my boyfriend gets annoyed but comments that a guy won't get connected to a girl, while if a girl connects to her ex she'll get involved again.

My Ex and I, well we ended on bad terms, but I made the decision to not be friends because it just fell apart in the end. So I guess in a sense, I'm also envious because my boyfriend can have these wonderful chats on the phone with his ex while I sit next to him and listen to him nostalgia together with a grand smile. It makes me want to cry, I've never felt so torn in my life. Even after so many deaths in my family, this has been the worst feeling yet to date. I don't know what to do.

I recently sent a message to my ex, and when he messaged me back about wanting to be friends, I felt sick inside. I don't know how my boyfriend can be on such great terms. Now that I've tried it I frankly don't want to extend my hand back to my ex. So I'm not sure about the "connection," I was supposed to have by his terms of re-talking to my ex. After all sending out the message just made me feel incredibly stupid. I told my boyfriend and he shrugged it off which I'm glad because I feel like throwing up a bit on the inside after thinking about the damaging relationship my ex and me had, and how I would have skipped back into it, just so I could feel less envious.

If someone could slap me around a bit and wake me up, I'd be eternally thankful. Till then I'm just going to go about my days and just try to ignore it his ex, as I haven't talked to her in forever. (Another reason why I don't understand her hostility, he broke up with her, and I never said a word to her. ) But yeah that's that I suppose. I just wanted to clear my chest really. It's been bothering me so much these last couple of days.

I trust my boyfriend to not cheat on me as I love him so much. I just wish I could not be so bothered.

 

[Ayane]

I'm going to add this on the side, because like I said I'm feeling really bothered by this. I took a long shower and realized that if he wants to be friends with his ex- I have to let it go. I don't want to be the controlling girlfriend nor the jealous one. I don't really know but I guess this is one of those relationship tests. I just, it's so strange to feel like a grit in my teeth or have my stomach drop depressingly into my stomach at the mention of them having a great time. After all she out weighs me 6 years to a weak 4 months. I'm really afraid that I'm going to be the one getting hurt again. I really love my boyfriend, so losing him just makes me explode into tears. I've never been like this before, never so anxious, and worried. Not even with my ex did I really put in the effort to go out of my way to let him know what bothered me. I hate being like this, so emotional, ugh, I'm just going to turn up the music and clean around the house or something. Relationships are hard, all I can do is trust him. So hopefully that keeps things at bay.

 

[Chavaun Jones]

If you've already expressed to him your concerns and he still insists on having a friendship with her, there really isn't much you can do. You knew he had a past before you, and to expect him to cut all ties to people that he may honestly just view as friends could actually hurt your relationship more than anything else. I once had a guy tell me that confidence is one of the sexiest traits a woman can possess. So you can put on a brave front and be ultra confident, or at least pretend to be, and hope that everything works out, or drive yourself to the brink of madness stressing over his friendship with his ex. You have to remember; they're called exes for a reason. If there was nothing wrong with their relationship together, I'm sure they'd still be in said relationship.

 

[Ayane]

If you've already expressed to him your concerns and he still insists on having a friendship with her, there really isn't much you can do. You knew he had a past before you, and to expect him to cut all ties to people that he may honestly just view as friends could actually hurt your relationship more than anything else. I once had a guy tell me that confidence is one of the sexiest traits a woman can possess. So you can put on a brave front and be ultra confident, or at least pretend to be, and hope that everything works out, or drive yourself to the brink of madness stressing over his friendship with his ex. You have to remember; they're called exes for a reason. If there was nothing wrong with their relationship together, I'm sure they'd still be in said relationship.

Agreed, even if I don' trust his ex, since her needs to throw me under the bus. I talked with him one last time how while it does bother me, I decided to pull back and he thanks me for that because trust is what he didn't have in his last relationship and he feels more relaxed now that I have agreed to stop with the nail-biting nerves. I only wish all these nightmares would go away about how she might turn him away from me. But at the same time, he always comes home, so that's a plus.

 

[digitalbrew]

I think, deep inside, you still doubt his actions even when he assures you that he won't cheat on you. And that's normal. I can totally understand how you could be envious of his ex. I made it a point to introduce my ex and my current partner because I and my ex have one best friend. We even went out together to make my partner see what kind of person my ex is and to make him more comfortable when I tell him that we're going to hang out together.

Has your boyfriend ever told you why they broke up? He may have initiated the break up but she may have experienced what you are currently feeling right now reason why she's "paranoid". It's not the potential cheating that worries me but whether he will be considerate of your feelings someday when the time comes you tell him about your concerns.

 

[Ayane]

I think, deep inside, you still doubt his actions even when he assures you that he won't cheat on you. And that's normal. I can totally understand how you could be envious of his ex. I made it a point to introduce my ex and my current partner because I and my ex have one best friend. We even went out together to make my partner see what kind of person my ex is and to make him more comfortable when I tell him that we're going to hang out together.

Has your boyfriend ever told you why they broke up? He may have initiated the break up but she may have experienced what you are currently feeling right now reason why she's "paranoid". It's not the potential cheating that worries me but whether he will be considerate of your feelings someday when the time comes you tell him about your concerns.

Well a few days ago the EX showed up, to meet one on one at his house. I kind of was asked to sit another room which I did and eventually the two of them worked out their issues. I was able to speak to the EX myself in which I learned that she was the one actually who was trying to get him to leave her alone. Which I was not expecting so when she asked we not speak with her ever again, I was understanding but confused.

So I thus I asked my BF why he still begged for her to continue to talk with him, etc as it bothered me if his EX no longer wanted any interaction with him, why was he pressuring her to make the commitment of being friends again. In a long story short I felt he might have still loved her so I told him, I was prepared to leave if needed be. However as I was leaving my BF finally pulled me aside and told me the reason.

Which, makes sense why he wants to connect with his ex so much and I feel stupid for not thinking up this reason for before. Anyways, everything has settled down in the long run and I no longer feel threatened by the EX's presence. SO I am happy and relieve now that I finally got the answer I wanted to hear. It's funny how lack of communication can mess everything up lol.

 

[Jessiecco]

I don't mean to sound like a negative Nelly ... But, it has been my personal experience in life and through the years that EXs can't just be friends. I have seen it happen oh so many times. And your jealousy is a normal part of human emotion. I'm just curious as to if he would be upset if you were the one spending "Platonic" time with your EX Boyfriend?

 

[MakingCents]

I'm glad you have worked your issues with BF out. But if he is in a relationship with you I personally think he should respect YOUR wishes.

 

[Ayane]

I'm just curious as to if he would be upset if you were the one spending "Platonic" time with your EX Boyfriend?

He was actually very furious when I said this to him awhile back. Saying that, what is this, "get revenge? of course I would not like." However he said in response that, "A girl would fall in love with an ex if she spent time with him. While a boy would not."

Though thankfully the issue was resolved so there was no bad blood. I just kinda have a mouth twitch whenever i remember his reply lol.

 

[digitalbrew]

Well a few days ago the EX showed up, to meet one on one at his house. I kind of was asked to sit another room which I did and eventually the two of them worked out their issues. I was able to speak to the EX myself in which I learned that she was the one actually who was trying to get him to leave her alone. Which I was not expecting so when she asked we not speak with her ever again, I was understanding but confused.

So I thus I asked my BF why he still begged for her to continue to talk with him, etc as it bothered me if his EX no longer wanted any interaction with him, why was he pressuring her to make the commitment of being friends again. In a long story short I felt he might have still loved her so I told him, I was prepared to leave if needed be. However as I was leaving my BF finally pulled me aside and told me the reason.

Which, makes sense why he wants to connect with his ex so much and I feel stupid for not thinking up this reason for before. Anyways, everything has settled down in the long run and I no longer feel threatened by the EX's presence. SO I am happy and relieve now that I finally got the answer I wanted to hear. It's funny how lack of communication can mess everything up lol.

Well, this is good for you. Closure is always the best thing. What you said about leaving took guts. It takes a whole lot for a person to be willing to do such sacrifice so I admire you for that.

Now that's all over, I hope that this action and interaction with your BF and his ex has made your relationship with him stronger. Good luck.

 

[aloha]

Sometimes you have to trust your gut instincts. Men and women can just be friends but there is still some level of attraction, thats just how friendships work. If you dont feel comfortale with it you need to say something and if he cant understand maybe its time to lay down the law of move on.

 

[feminista]

OK WAIT. Why is no one discussing how the ex and your b/f joke about you behind your back. While I think it's totally cool for exes to be friends, I would be really annoyed if my boyfriend and his ex were joking about me without me being present. From the sound of your comment, she also makes catty remarks about you. That's a red flag. It's also not ok that he's confiding in her about your relationship. If I were you, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if they had their own conversations--i.e. about politics, or the weather, whatever NOT ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP.

You have every right to be frustrated about that behaviour, especially given their past emotional intimacy. Perhaps if you're no longer the subject of their conversation, you'll feel more comfortable about their friendship.

 

[sillylucy]

I had an ex who was friends with ALL of his exes. It was the worst thing ever. Every one of his female friends was someone he slept with and I couldn't get that out of my head so I ended things. Exes are bad news.

 

[Livvi]

You need to learn to trust him, I know this is SO much easier said than done but until he gives you solid reasons to doubt him, he deserves to have your trust. You also need to make sure you are not ultimately pushing them together - a "well if I am being accused, I may as well do it" situation may occur if you are not careful.

 

[Evilsprinkles]

Wow. There's so much wrong with this on every facet, that I don't know where to start.

Whilst it is indeed fortunate that some people can remain friends with their exes, it's a little bit weird to have so much contact with one, in such a manner, especially where there is mockery going on about YOUR feelings about the matter. He might have been the one to end their relationship, but it strikes me that perhaps he is still very dependent on her for many things, perhaps more dependent than he ought to be.

You are naturally and very obviously battling some intense emotions, and I would necessarily call that jealousy, more than I would call it distress an anxiety. It's one thing to have a relationship with an ex on a good sitting, but it's quite another to carry on having one at the expense of your current partner's intense discomfort. I have never been one for trying to manipulate, or telling a loved one what to do, but if he is putting his relationship with HER before his relationship with YOU, then there's a problem. You should be his priority, not her. The length of time he was with her, should have no bearing on that priority with you. If he thinks it does, then that's also a problem.